Exploding Aardvark

… in Champaign-Urbana. Come on! Be forward-thinking! Chicago’s already banned foie gras, and other fatty foods are being targeted right now. But I don’t think they’re going far enough.

Pressed on how the ordinance might be worded, Burke said, “I know there’s been an ongoing debate about the use of oils for frying french fries. They continue to try to find a way that can be employed that will reduce the high level of fat consumed by people buying those products. I don’t think it’s ever been tried in any jurisdiction. But, I don’t see any legal barrier to doing it here … for frying products. I don’t think it would be french fries specifically.”

Alderman wants to limit fatty, fried fast food (Chicago Sun-Times)

Champaign and Urbana recently passed a public smoking ban, because people who don’t smoke are apparently being frogmarched into bars and forced to breathe secondhand smoke. Also, they don’t like the smell, which is “yucky.”

Well, I say hooray to that. I can hardly wait until the government controls all aspects of my life.

So hear me out. The FDA recently begged restaurants to reduce meal portions–for the good of the nation. The Harvard School of Public Health says that the already alarming obesity levels in the USA are “grossly underestimated.” Las Vegas even has a special ambulance for people who weigh 500 pounds or more.

Clearly this is a national crisis that must be addressed by instituting more ordinances, because fat people cannot help themselves. Let’s start small. Let’s ban the sale of french fries at drive-thru windows. If you wanna eat fries, you can damn well haul your fat ass outta the car and walk a few steps.

Next, we step it up a bit and flat-out ban the sale of french fries and all drive-thru sales of anything edible. Fast-food eaters will get that much more exercise every time they purchase the food that’s killing them. And it can’t really be called “draconian,” because people who still want to eat fries can make them in the privacy of their own homes. They can have all their fat pals over and eat mounds and mounds of deep-fried foods, without me having to watch the disgusting spectacle or smell the grease. And businesses that go under because of the ban won’t have been very good businesses to begin with, so no whining.

Presto–a thinner, healthier populace!

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