Exploding Aardvark

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BUY AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER CITY

Welcome to Cold War City (population: 4). It covers 240 acres and has 60 miles of roads and its own railway station. It even includes a pub called the Rose and Crown.
The most underpopulated town in Britain is being put on the market. But there will be no estate agent�s blurb extolling the marvellous views […]

MORE PEOPLE-STEALING

The lanky 15-year-old with the velvety skin flashed a deceptive grin at the man in combat fatigues standing near the curb. “You ain’t no good!” she shouted at the soldier. “You stealing these young people!”
Staff Sgt. Richard Guzman looked up from the crowd of black and Hispanic students clustered near the entrance to the Manhattan […]

BRAIN-CHIP BONANZA

US military experts are attempting to create an army of super-human soldiers who will be more intelligent and deadly thanks to a microchip implanted in their brains.
Scientists believe the implant will vastly improve the memory of troops so that they can recall every detail of their training and become more effective fighters.
Researchers at the University […]

ZOMBIECON SOUNDS LIKE TOO MUCH FUN

They charged across the street to Bloomingdale’s where the customers, who had already spent some time under the powerful mind-controlling effects of Cosabella thongs and the inimitable Nars makeup counter, were considerably more tolerant of this new demon presence. “Donna Karan! Garrr!” shouted one wee zombie, whose love of DKNY hosiery had clearly not declined […]

ATTACK OF THE ROBOT PROFESSORS

A college student who claimed he stabbed and slashed his piano professor more than 200 times because he thought she was a robot intent on killing him has been found not guilty of murder by reason of insanity.

Ngai’s attorney has said Ngai believed music professor Danielle Martin was a robot or was controlled by a […]

OUR EMPLOYEES ARE POOR AND SICK

… let’s cut their benefits!
An internal memo sent to Wal-Mart’s board of directors proposes numerous ways to hold down spending on health care and other benefits while seeking to minimize damage to the retailer’s reputation. Among the recommendations are hiring more part-time workers and discouraging unhealthy people from working at Wal-Mart.
In the memorandum, M. Susan […]

SOMEONE MAKE A STYLISH WOMEN’S VERSION

This is a regular Levis Strauss type denim jacket with a level IIIA bullet-proof lining cleverly sewn into the inside. Perfect for casual wear this jacket offers all round protection against all rounds up to, and including, .44 magnum.
Disguised Ballistic Wear — Denim Jacket Bullet-Proof Threat Level IIIA (Spycatcher of Knightsbridge, via Red Ferret)

DEMAND GOVERNMENT COMPETENCE

… before it’s too late.

Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a “long-term, even fun” refuge from zombies.
Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier […]

TIME FOR MUSTARD

Classical watches display time, but can hardly do anything else. This limitation is artificial: for instance several people confessed to be often in want of mustard…and what is the point of knowing time if you cannot get mustard?
The concept of mustard watches comes from this basic observation. They combine the advantages of watches and mustard […]

WHOLE NEW MEANING FOR “ROLLING WALK”

Gadgets are getting smaller. Materials are getting lighter. But the modern foot soldier is lugging a bigger load than ever. The U.S. Army is hoping to take some of this weight off with a new-fangeled beast of burden. The Future Force Warrior program’s Robotic Mule will be able to go wherever the infantry go, carrying […]